August 22, 2011

It happened today. . .

As I was minding my own business, driving to pick up my son from school, lost in my random to-do list thinking, POW! desire decided to raise it's head.  "I'm still here", it said, "you can't ignore me too much longer without becoming a robot going through the motions.  I'm here and you can't squash me down anymore!"  And then I just started sobbing, driving down the road trying to see past my tears, knowing the truth.  I don't want to be here any more.  I have known this for a while but I can no longer ignore it.  I can no longer pretend that everything is perfect and I don't miss my family and my country and my culture and language.   As much as I love my friends here and as much as I love my husband, I want to go back.  I want him to want to go back with me.  I have no idea how this could work.  I'm just saying it out loud, I want to go back.

9 comments:

  1. Oh sweetie! I still have those days, even after 10 years. But my moods have A.D.D., so it doesn't last more than a day. But if this is a nagging feeling that you can't shake, then you have to listen to and follow your heart. And of course talk to your husband.

    I wish there was more I could say or do to make you feel better. Just know that if you need to vent or just want someone to "talk" to, I'm just an email/FB message away. (((Hugs!)))

    Do you ever go back just to visit?

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  2. ((((hugs))) I can't imagine how hard it would be in a different country away from your family, but I'll be praying for you!! Praying for you to have peace and comfort in God.
    Love,
    Emily

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  3. Thank you Leslie. It's nice to know you understand, that helps so much. I do go back, I just went at Christmas but sometimes it's counterproductive! Then I just want more.

    Thanks Emily for your prayers, they are appreciated.

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  4. Lots of hugs my friend. Thinking and praying for you.

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  5. I just found your blog. I live in Sonora with my husband and two boys and I was having one of those days yesterday. Everything was making me sad and I felt that the only way I could feel happy would be to go back to the US. My husband has no desire whatsoever to live in the US and I knew that going into this but that does not stop me from having the same feelings that you are having. And I totally get your comment about how visiting is sometimes counterproductive. I don't know you but I am sending hugs your way.

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  6. Thanks Reggie and Nikki too. Once again it's nice to feel understood. Do you have a blog Nikki?

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  7. Oh man, I'm having one of those months. After having been a year I kind of thought, OK, got the Mexico thing down and then it just hits you out of no where. I'm so glad I found your blog!

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  8. Cheryl! I'm so happy to see you here. I've just been reading back on your old blog about the cave....remember? Trying to write about that feeling of wanting to just go back in and ignore what you know. It's like the Matrix....right? You're unplugged and there's no turning back! You can't unfeel and you can't un-know. Anyway, I have loved your candidness and appreciate seeing what you're going through and feeling understood. Even though my circumstances are different I feel a kinship with you :)

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  9. I've been coming back to check out your blog on a regular basis ever since I first came across this post -- I hope you're ok, Karen! I don't know you from Adam but I find myself worrying about you. Buena suerte and write something soon!

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