March 16, 2011

Words Not to Live By

A few months before my husband and I tied the knot, we spoke with a pastor of the church we were planning on attending as a married couple.  I was still living in Georgia, teaching and planning our wedding and hubby was living here and working so it was difficult to have any sort of pre-marital counseling.  We thought we should at least talk to this pastor and get a few words of advice before the big day.

These are a few of the choice morsels we walked away with:  1. "Don't get married.  It's a bad idea to mix cultures."  (By the way, this pastor was American.)  2. "If you have to get married make sure you have a washing machine. I know of a couple who split up over that and the wife was American."  3. "My wife and I have never yelled or had any heated fights.  We always stay up all night until things are resolved, so we never go to sleep angry."

We were definitely shaken by those words but decided to get married and defy the odds that were so highly stacked up against us, according to that guy.  Here are a few things I've learned over the past ten years: 1. Whoever said they have never yelled or had a heated fight or stays up all night to talk things through every time there is a disagreement is a liar.  2. I'm very glad to have mixed cultures.  It is definitely never dull around here.  I'm glad to have two sweet little mocha-colored boys who are the best of both our worlds.  3. It's nice having a washing machine but I don't think that has saved my marriage.  4.  Marriage is hard no matter what your circumstances are. If you want it to last you are always going against the odds.  5.  I wouldn't trade my husband for anyone in the world.  I have NO regrets.

We didn't last too long at that pastor's church.  If I ever run into him again I don't know if I'd even want to talk to him but I would just like to smile and let him see me happily walk by with my husband and two gorgeous babies.


  1. I think your pastor gave some bad advice, though i do try and live by the don't go to bed angry rule. Even if an issue can't be resolved we try and get to a point where we are not sleeping in separate rooms or crying ourselves to sleep.

  2. Not the greatest advice is it? As far as mixing cultures, he is completely wrong. I've seen lots of friends from different cultures marry and they are fine. Different religions, that's a different story.

    Washing machines? Our great grandmothers didn't have washing machines and their marriages were just fine. :P

    Whenever I hear a couple say they've never had a fight or argument, I laugh out loud. We all have disagreements. But I do have to agree with the pastor about never going to bed angry. Hubby and I usually work everything out before we go to bed. And on the rare occasion that we don't, we find a way to work out our problems in the middle of the night. ;)

  3. Hi karen lisa here. I found your blog not to long ago. I will just be starting my journey in Mexico next month
    I agree with rebecca that was some pretty bad advice. Every couple has their own issues and ways of resolving them and yea a washer is a great thing to have but really, that sounded kind of petty to me. Congrats on the ten years, sounds like you guys are doing great!

  4. Yeah I agree with you, Leslie and Rebecca. The not going to bed angry is important but sometimes we just have to call a truce and get some sleep. We aren't the kind of couple that can hash things out in the moment... But yes it is important to try to lower the anger factor before bed. And yeah Leslie, sometimes the middle of the night thing is the quickest road to forgiveness :)

    Lisa, thanks for following. I will look forward to reading about your journey. Hope it's a smooth transition.

  5. You tell them!!! I guess he never heard the song "Jesus loves the children here, children far away or near, they are SAFE withing his care..." Your marriage is safe as long as it is in His care, no matter where you're from! Love you! Dalit