Life is...

I haven't been around lately, too much is going on to even think about writing sometimes.   My sweet Santi turned six on August 25th and that same night my mother in law had a brain-stem stroke.  At the time we didn't know what was happening, she seemed like she was struggling to breathe so my husband carried her to the car and got her to the hospital as quickly as possible.  We live five minutes away thankfully.  After doing all the necessary tests the doctors informed us she'd had a stroke.  We didn't really know what to expect and in the hospital weren't getting too many answers.  One minute it seemed like she would not make it very long and the next they were telling us they were sending her back home.  It has been an extremely stressful time for us as a family.  My mil is back home now and has been for two weeks.  She is bedridden and can only move the right side of her body and she tries to talk.  Sometimes we understand her, sometimes we don't. She has a tube that comes out of her stomach for getting nourishment and liquids.  She has been ill for the past five years with many different thing but this has been by far the hardest for everyone.  She needs constant care, around the clock someone must be with her.  My sister-in-law is here from far away to help for now.  I don't know how we'll do it when she leaves.  I think we'll have to hire someone to help during the nights.

Sometimes she begs to die.  Other times she is candid and even tries to smile and participate in the conversation.  During this time, numerous people have come to us to share their stories.  "My grandma was like that for years and years."  "My mother was bedridden and fed through a tube in her stomach for ten years."  "My dad had a stroke and never learned to talk again."   Seriously, those are not things I wanted to hear about.  I love her, I really do, but to think of her like this for years and years is not encouraging at all.  I mean, I know its hard for her, but it is also hard for everyone involved.  I try to think of things in a non-selfish way but I always come back to questioning how we are going to do this.  How are we going to make it through this? The doctors sent her home with no indications of physical therapy or rehabilitation.  They have said its a miracle she is alive and that's it.  I don't think they expect improvement.

For now, all I can do and have been doing is to pray.  I pray for help, mercy, wisdom, strength.  I pray for my husband.  His blood pressure has gone up from all the family drama (between siblings) this has caused.  I pray and take care of him and my boys.  What else can I do?  Reading about the odds of improvement or life expectancy just depress me.  Thinking about the future doesn't help.  Especially now that we've been talking again about relocating.  That is out of the question for now.  My husband has always been the one who has been with his mom.  We are the ones who live next door.  We are the ones who provide what she needs.  We will be here with her as long as she's here.