Brave

Lately I have been reading a ton of expat blogs. I have seen such evidence of brave women who have followed their husbands to Mexico, mainly because of immigration problems and I am just amazed at them, truly amazed.

I don't feel brave. I feel kind of like a weird-o since I have chosen to be here. Lately I have kind of been wishing to pack it all up and move back to Georgia, husband or not. I mean, I figure he has his visa, he can come visit. I don't know, even after living here for so long I still have days where I just want to ram my car into whichever bus, truck, vehicle du jour that has cut me off at the moment. I find myself cursing everybody who looks at me the wrong way and especially the ones who can't understand me because of my accent.

Once a co-worker who'd lived in Paraguay and had been married to a man from there told me: "Once you've lived there (Mexico, Paraguay, etc.) you're never happy anywhere." Talk about a depressing statement. But sometimes it feels true. I know that when I go back for a visit, eventually (its been three years since i did), I will feel totally backwards and out of place for part of the visit. And I know that a lot of the time I feel so much anger here I don't even know where I had it stored. I get depressed when I think about my niece and nephew I have seen only once or twice, or never. I feel sad to be so far away from my family. I have grandparents that I will probably never see again in this life...it is depressing. My mom is really the only one in my family who comes to visit...my dad has never been here where I live.

But this is the life I have chosen. Today it feels so gloomy to say that.