|My baby Santiago, who will be five soon.|
Last Christmas we were very fortunate to travel to Georgia to be with family. Our main purpose of going was to meet a new baby cousin, Gabriel. It was also lovely to see my niece Amy who had just turned four (we hadn't seen her for a few years). My boys wanted to sing a song at the airport when we met up with their cousin, affectionately nicknamed Baby Gabey by his dad. We were playing around with singing the Baby, baby song by you know who. It turned into the Baby Gabey song, and then after a while, Amy decided to go around her house singing "Babies, babies babies, oh I love babies babies babies."
For some reason that song has gotten lodged into my brain. It's not the song really but the idea of the song. It's stuck somewhere more emotional I think, like in my heart.
One of my best friends is preparing for her fourth child, who should be arriving in a few weeks, and I couldn't buy baby clothes for her. I tried to but it made me so emotional to pick up those tiny little onesies that I ended up just buying diapers.
When I imagine myself pregnant, or having an epidural (I hate those!), or even changing diapers or missing out on sleep, I think, yes I'm done with all that, I don't really want to do that again. But when I imagine that little baby filling up that tiny onesie, and I imagine those little fingers and toes and chubby cheeks. . . that's when my heart melts into a puddle on the floor.
I always thought I'd have at least three or four kids. I grew up with three siblings. The plan with my husband was to have at least three, although he backed out after two. And now though I am content with the two beautiful sons I have I'm just wondering why I can't buy a baby shower gift without having an emotional episode. Could it be that they are almost 5 and 7 and I feel how fast they're growing? Or is it that deep down I want another baby? And even if I do want another baby, we have an agreement that there will be no more babies. Why does it feel so sad to say that?